5) THE FASHION: Being an avid Sex and the City fan, Carrie Bradshaw has made me extremely open-minded when it comes to fashion. Would I wear a tutu and a tank top out in public? No, probably not. But is it okay because Bradshaw did it? 100%. Also, I am a gay man at heart, so it would be totally and completely inappropriate for me to also not thank Lady Gaga at this time for opening my eyes to unconventional fashion choices. But back to the Olympics. Did you see those orange, triangular bicycle helmets those dudes wheeling around the Petshop Boys were wearing? Everything. What about those electric blue bowler hats with the lit light bulb coming out of the top? Spectacular. Fatboy Slim’s Hawaiian shirt? Excellent. Sporty Spice’s wide-legged jumpsuit with metallic sneakers? Outstanding. I really appreciate the forward-thinking-ness going on in London right now because I am sick of everyone’s Crocs and Lulu Lemon work out gear.
4) BORIS JOHNSON: So here’s something to think about: imagine every person you’ve ever seen run for mayor. They’re perfectly coiffed with impeccably gelled hair, pressed suits, and patriotic ties. They’re put together in a way that conveys, “not only can I take care of myself, I can also take care of YOU” to their constituency. And then there’s Boris Johnson: world’s silliest mayor. Tell me why he constantly looks like he just rolled out of bed. Why is he allowed to be SUCH a ragamuffin? I’m all for the “elegantly disheveled” look. For real, I think it’s really in-style and “a la mode” for us common folk, but I’m not sure I’m ready to allow my political leaders to look like they’ve stumbled in the door after a night of binge drinking with their frat brothers. Buy a comb.
3) THE BRAZILLIANS: I know it’s like, a huge honor and giant deal to host the Olympics and it’s a great venue to showcase the quirkiness of your culture and whatnot but like, Brazil went kinda cray. I realize it’s a different world and a different set of beliefs and such and don’t get a sister wrong when I say these things, I have mad respect for all types of people, places and things, but CALM. DOWN. BRAZIL. They started off with that tap dancing fool and then swiftly moved on to some crazy broad in a dress made of umbrellas, then transitioned to a man in a cape made of light bulbs and somewhere in there, a bedazzled pimp strutted around stage, soccer legend Pelé made a small appearance and a completely random drag queen (who later turned out to be Alessandra Ambrosio) danced around lip-synching to all the Brazilian music. Like, what the actual fuck, Brazil? I’ve never been there. Not sure I want to at this point. But if I learned one thing during their cultural showcase it’s that we’ve all got four years to adequately prepare how to classily, casually and comfortably handle an acid trip. For real.
2) RUSSELL BRAND: Okay. First. Oh my god. SWOON. Willy Wonka. One of the best of all time. Ever. I could watch that movie over and over again. And not just because I love chocolate and believe whole-heartedly that Veruca Salt is the one true diva none of us will every be able to fully embody. And then, just when you think, oh, cool, Willy Wonka. Russell Brand pops up on the top of a psychedelic bus in striped pants and a top hat singing the beginning of “I Am The Walrus” into a megaphone and you’re like, “IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?” and then, after swooning like 18 more times, you’re like, “I can’t believe this is still happening”. Now, let me make clear that these feelings are probably only unique to those of us who love Russell Brand in an extremely unhealthy way like I do. So, back to the scenario. You’ve been swooning over Russell for such a long time that you’ve now learned to do other things while you’re still swooning so, other feelings are starting to creep in. Those girls pretending to play the violins look like drag queens. Did I accidentally take LSD earlier? You’re feeling elated and happy and wonderful that they’ve chose to include such whimsy in the closing ceremonies and not take everything so dang seriously. But, don’t worry, your swooning will win out. Because Russell Brand is literally everything on the planet.
1) SPICE GIRLS: Let’s start simple. They all look great. Mostly. Ginger’s looking a little rough. But regardless. They’re gorgeous. They’re perfect. “Wannabe” was a great start, of course, but when “Spice Up Your Life” filled my ears, all the hair on my body stood straight up and I started crying. I’M NOT EVEN EMBARRASED. If you’re not a 90s girl and didn’t grow up with these 5 in your Walkman and their videogame in your Playstation and a drawer full of their lollipops in your nightstand, you can stop reading because you will never ever understand what these women mean to me. THE BIRTH OF GIRL POWER. From these 5. They shaped everything I believed in elementary school. I bought a pair of black and white lace up sneakers WITH A CHUNKY HEEL on them because of the Spice Girls. Can you even imagine how grotesque looking those were? But I wore them like, everyday because I wanted to be Baby Spice. My brother and I watched Spice World on Christmas Eve a few years ago and they were touring London and fighting off an alien invasion and they were still FABULOUS. And now they’re in London (!!!) riding around on the roof of a light up taxi reuniting in a way only the Spice Girls could. And none of them are wearing platform shoes. And I don’t even care. If there isn’t a worldwide reunion tour in the works I am going to FLIP OUT but somehow I will get over it because their performance was so perfect that I’m thinking this should be the end for them before Geri Halliwell truly goes off the deep end or Baby Spice’s name starts to become a little too ironic for any of us to deal with.
Honorable mentions: George Michael SERVING IT, Eric Idle, Jessie J, Prince Harry singing along to Monty Python, Take That and Missy Franklin. Because no Olympic-related talk would be complete without a mention of that perfect little baby.