Month: February 2012

A whirlwind Hollywood “love affair”

        Hollywood has given me unrealistic expectations of love. I feel comfort in saying there are a select group of people that are the reason I’m single. I don’t know these people personally, but I do know some writers out there sit at home crafting impossible love stories that make women across the world (namely, me) want to kill themselves and the producers that bring these books to life on the silver screen are out to ruin my life and make me want to cry every time I wake up alone. How can I ever function in a normal and healthy relationship when I don’t get a full-blown, hysterical love confession every time it rains? How can I possibly sleep through the night when the handsome outcast in my small town isn’t throwing rocks at my window, beckoning me to come down for an innocent and barf-inducing midnight stroll down the center town square? How can I ever enjoy a classic vacation in a sleepy east coast beach town if Channing Tatum isn’t there to jump in the water to save my purse after some guy throws it in the water, thus, naturally, ushering in a beautiful and tumultuous love affair?

            Nicholas Sparks is almost entirely to blame. While there are, undoubtedly, other participants cranking out these stories, I can confidently say it is at least 98% his fault. I remember watching A Walk to Remember and developing my first taste for unrealistic love. Landon Carter was a true outlaw; threatened by expulsion after a prank-gone-wrong, who is forced to participate in drama club to get him back on track (what kind of punishment is that? When I flipped off my French teacher in 10th grade, I got threatened with suspension and talked my way down to a Saturday school). After nerdy Jamie Sullivan helps him learn his lines, she sees him for what he truly is: not a high school hating scoundrel but a sensitive and caring soul, misunderstood by his peers and the community. Yawn. You ever try talking to the burnouts from your high school? Good luck carrying on a legitimate conversation with those dudes. Their attention span is equivalent to that of a gnat and if it’s not about weed or Taco Bell, they don’t care. The seeds of unbelievable and far-fetched circumstances that lead to whirlwind love affairs were implanted then and there, but since I was only 11 when that movie came out, pretty much any/everything in my head was far-fetched and unbelievable. But if you ask me, that movie is the basis and stem of why I am such a helpless, hopeless romantic. Damn you, Sparks. Damn you.

            When The Notebook came out a short 2 years later, we, as a country, collectively gave up on finding love. Not only were we introduced to the sex pot that is Ryan Gosling (because we all know everything he did prior to his role as Noah Calhoun is irrelevant and unexciting), we were given a glimpse into what Rachel McAdams could accomplish outside of being a Plastic (turns out she’s a pretty decent actress, but I think we can all agree none of us will ever think of her as anything but Regina George). Once again, Sparks took conventional and normal relationships and crushed them to smithereens. How was I supposed to look at anyone I could possibly, at 14 years old, start a relationship with without thinking of a grizzly Ryan Gosling standing in the rain telling me he wrote love letters to me I never got? How could I possibly ever think about growing old without getting Alzheimer’s and expecting the love of my life to retell the story of our tumultuous-but-ultimately-beautiful-and-incredulous love story every time I have an episode?

            It didn’t end there. Nights in Rodanthe let me know I didn’t have to be in my 20s to find perfect love (I sat in the theater and sobbed my eyes out until the lights came back on after the credits rolled), Dear John showed me not all military guys are total assholes (but living in San Diego has ultimately undone that one), and Moulin Rouge taught me that Ewan McGregor is a hot piece and I, too, can find a handsome bohemian playwright to fall in love with me, even if I am a stripper/prostitute dying from consumption.

            I’ve inundated myself with so many rom-coms and romantic dramas that I’ve figured out they all have a pattern. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. And what good is that? Boy and girl meet, boy and girl try not to fall in love but despite their surroundings, they are pushed together. When they finally succumb to their overwhelming obsession with one another, something, somewhere gets in the way to push them apart. But don’t you worry your pretty little sobbing-in-the-middle-of-the-movie-theater head, because love always conquers all. And that right there is the plot of at least 12 movies that have been released this year.

            Earlier this week, I was surprised to find out the new Channing Tatum/Rachel McAdams (anyone else seeing a pattern emerge?) melodramatic romantic epic was not written by Nicholas Sparks. But it might as well be. It is in fact a true story written by the two people who actually lived the drama that will unfold in front of millions of peoples’ eyes this weekend. What could be more tragic than a memory-erasing car accident and a persistent husband hell-bent on making you re-fall back in love with him? Nothing. That’s what. And that is precisely the reason it will be number one at the box office this weekend. Every girl in the country will drag their boyfriends to the movies, then, after the credits roll, they’ll grill their men on why they can’t be as romantic and in touch with their emotions as Tatum’s character. Thus, here we are right back where we started from. Unrealistic expectations of love. All stemming from unbelievable and outlandish storytelling.

            How I’m ever supposed to bounce back from this is unclear to me, but I do know one thing. I will not be seeing The Vow for 3 reasons: 1) I will definitely, absolutely, 100% want to kill myself after seeing it (forever alone), 2) I can’t handle looking at Channing Tatum because he ruins all men for me. Ever. And 3) My presumptions about love have already been skewed so heavily from nights crying in front of my television and drowning my sorrows in a pint of Chubby Hubby that if I do anymore damage, I will literally explode from being such a cliché.

Grammys 2012

Happy 53rd Grammys, ya’ll! This is one of my favorite nights of the year. Usually awards shows these days are a total train-wreck but I hold out hope for this one. At least I know we’re guaranteed to  have SOMETHING to talk about tomorrow.

  • K all I have to say is fuck yeah Bruce Springsteen. He’s totally still got it. I’d totally make out with him. And I really appreciate the fact that the Grammy peeps still give it up for the music vets and don’t fill the entire 3 1/2 telecast (omfg, can you believe this thing is so long?) with Nicki Minaj’s ass.
  • I spy some light-up Mylo Xyloto bracelets in the pit. Fuuuuck I want one of those so bad.
  • This performance rules. So hard. Give it up to The Boss. Well done. Outstanding.
  • Katy Perry, I hate your blue hair with a fiery red passion.
  • Blake Shelton, Miranda Lambert, Lady Gaga. What an awkward seating arrangement.
  • Lemme throw out a quick guess on how long it’ll take to start talking about ——- welp. Nevermind. There he goes.
  • Well done LL, well done. Sweet, simple and concise. Exactly what it needed to be.
  • Grammys 2012 Drinking Game: Take a shot every time someone brings up Whitney. You should already have taken 2 shots.
  • Adele, I hate your hair. And I love your dress. But I hate your hair.
  • You better believe I just shouted out loud alone in my apartment when LL shouted out to Coldplay #fangirl
  • I think LL was an evangelical preacher in his past life.
  • I thoroughly enjoy Bruno Mars. He’s so precious. Even if he does the same thing every time he has a live performance.
  • Someone reading this has to know the tambourine player. Tell him I say what’s up.
  • Bruno Mars’ blowout > Pauly D’s blowout #unpopularopinion
  • 3 shots.
  • “Get off your rich asses and have some fun!” Love you, Bruno.
  • 4 shots.
  • SING IT BONNIE. YES GIRL! WERQ!
  • So glad there’s some recognition that Whitney Houston wasn’t the only person to pass this year. Good on ya, Grams.
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Lady Gaga looks like she got caught in a fishing net.
  • Adele’s hair like that makes her look so much older than she actually is. Isn’t she my age? Isn’t she only 22? She looks like a 50-year old.
  • I really don’t want to watch Chris Brown’s performance (but I will, in order to be a well-rounded and informed pop culture whore). Let’s not forget that he beat the shit out of Rihanna the night before the Grammys three years ago. His lack of social punishment for his actions is despicable and I will never be okay with it. No one stood by Rihanna. No one condemned Chris Brown for what he did. No one spoke up. No one gave a shit. What kind of message is that sending to the victims of domestic violence?
  • That being said, whatever he’s dancing on looks like a giant acid-tripped game of Tetris.
  •  I do not now and nor will I ever understand the point of lip-syncing. Why even pretend? We all know you’re not singing. This bitch never sings because he’s too busy flopping around the stage dancing like a crackhead. GTFO ya god damn wife beater. I hate you.
  • Fergie, I liked your dress better when it was a box of doilies.
  • HAHA AMBER ROSE IS WITH WIZ KHALIFA. That bitch gets around. Lezbihonest.
  • I’m just gonna throw out a guess here and say that The Throne is gonna win any and all categories they are nominated for.
  • FINALLLLLY. KELLY CLARKSON’S STYLIST DIDN’T SHOW UP FOR WORK ON COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COCAINE. She looks stunning!!!
  • DON’T YOU WANNA STAAAAAAAAAAAAAY HEEEEEREEEEEEEE A LITTTTTLLLLEEE WHIIIIIIIILLEEEEEEE??? 
  • All these lip-syncing mother fuckers should take note from Miss Kelly Clarkson. That is how you sing a song OKAY?
  • KC has a fat rock on her finger. Someone explain this to me!
  • Daaaveeee Groooohhhlllll maaaaaake outttttt with meeeeee!!!!!!!
  • You know how people say, “Wow, that band rocks!”? They were probably watching Foo Fighters when that phrase originated.
  • I can’t even fucking explain for excited I am for “Princess of China”
  • Loving this “We Found Love” thing going on. Hate Rihanna’s roots.
  • But like, let’s be real, get on with the Coldplay.
  • I hope Chris Brown is out there crying right now. Her body-ody-ody is looking on point right now. Damn.
  • For those playing at home, you should have taken you 5th shot just now.
  • Squealing like a little girl as Chris Martin comes out playing acoustic fucking guitar for POC.
  • For now, this song is about Chris Brown.
  • I FUCKING KNEW THOSE WERE MYLO BRACELETS IN THE FRONT.
  • I AM SO EXCITED WE’RE GETTING MORE COLDPLAY.
  • Remember when I saw “Paradise” live three days ago? From 20 feet away? Yeah me too.
  • Look at that crowd shot, with all those bracelets. You guys, this performance is everything. EV-UH-REE-THING.
  • I am so glad I am watching this by myself so no one can see how hard I am enjoying this performance.
  • PARA-PARA-PARADISE PARA-PARA-PARADISE PARA-PARA-PARADIS OOOHHH OHHH OHHHH OHHHH OHHHH OHHHH OHHHHHHHHH
  • Werq it on that guitar Johnny Buckland. You are a star.
  • Excellent performance. From Rihanna. From Coldplay. Flawless. Beautiful Stunning. Perfect. Best of the night and we’re only an hour into this.
  • That girl with the bangs from NCIS (I think) that came out with the dudes from The Giants is really awkward. And like, why is she even here? And what is she even doing?
  • The Decemberists are nominated for a Grammy? What the actual fuck is going on here? Bye bye to your indie street cred.
  • I like that all the dudes from Foo Fighters just threw on blazers over their t-shirts and tank tops and called it fancy attire.
  • Unlike classier awards shows, the Grammys just turn off your mic, cut the lights and introduce the next presenter if you run over your allotted acceptance speech time.
  • odpeijfhkshfksjdfjksdhfljgnfhklsdghsdjghlkdfhgkljdfgivjw;qeofghuueirgherg
  • ^^ Sorry, that was me dying from Adam Levine singing “Surfer Girl”
  • You know, I really appreciate that Adam Levine has sex with his microphone stand every time he performs. I think it adds a lot to his performance. It definitely adds a lot of drool to my shirt.
  • I don’t know much about Foster the People, but I do remember there is one guy who usually just stands in the background and FREAKS OUT while they play and since that isn’t happening right now, I am indifferent to this performance.
  • However, I will say that I would more than likely be willing to make out with every member of this group. They’re all pretty attractive.
  • Do you think people that liked The Beach Boys in their heyday are looks at these dudes like, “When did we all get this old?” because that’s what I’m thinking and I was born at a time when these dudes were already pretttty old.
  • No shade though, nothing anyone ever says (including me) could ever diminish the brilliance of this group.
  • I have NEVER seen someone look as uncomfortable as Adam Levine does after being brought back out to finish up singing “Good Vibrations”.
  • Take a shot! #6
  • If you’re Stevie Wonder and you wanna interrupt introducing Paul McCartney to play a quick harmonica solo, you fucking can! Because you’re Stevie Wonder!
  • Paul McCartney is performing right now, aka, I’m going to take a quick bathroom break and get some snacks.
  • I think Common should also make out with me. So, if you’re keeping score at home, that’s Bruce Springsteen, Bruno Mars’ tambourine player, Dave Grohl, all the members of Foster the People and Common that I’ll be waiting for. I better go get some Carmex.
  • Who are all these people nominated for best R&B album?
  • Don’t worry ya’ll, I’m booing at my TV from here. H8 u Chris Brown.
  • I enjoy The Civil Wars and I am glad they are a thing at the Grammy’s this year. However, I would very much like to switch it up and watch Taylor Swift for 60 seconds and give TCW a full performance because, ya know, I fucking hate T Swift.
  • So uh, is it socially acceptable that Taylor Swift does the same fucking thing every time she performs at an award show? Like, I know I said the same thing about Bruno Mars but I actually like him so, obviously I don’t take issue with the repetition. But everything she does annoys me. Especially her lack of variety in performance. Don’t they have a professional to fix that?
  • Taylor Swift is dressed like Bill Henrickson’s 4th wife.
  • Oops, I accidentally fast-forwarded through the rest of her performance.
  • I take BIG issue with what Katy Perry is doing right now. Real fucking mature to come out and sing a song about your ex-husband despite the fact that this is music’s HUGEST night and your fans are waiting to see a kick-ass performance of one of your HITS. Sorry your marriage fell apart but you’re not the first person to get a divorce and you’re totally pulling a Taylor Swift. To air your dirty laundry on national television is embarrassing and I expected way more from you. Disgusting. I just lost a lot of respect for her.
  • Also, she’s totally and absolutely dressed like a Power Ranger.
  • Is his real name Dierks? That totally blows.
  • Actually, I guess the fact that he’s really hot makes up for it.
  • Despite Adele’s less-than-favorable hair, I have to say, she is so beautiful. It’s completely unfair.
  • That being said, I refuse to listen to “Rolling in the Deep” one more time in my life so I’m fast-forwarding.
  • Best dressed: the girl Perry sister. GivemeyourskirtrightnowbeforeIripitouttamytelevisionscreen.
  • If I were a cowboy, I would totally be of the rhinestone persuasion.
  • Blake Shelton is 6’5. That ALONE makes me want to make out with him but adding to that, he’s super cute and talented sooooo add him to the list.
  • This is probably the only time I have ever heard “Rhinestone Cowboy” all the way through but I am still singing the chorus at the top of my lungs… alone… in my apartment.
  • Carrie Underwood’s dress. LOVE.
  • When I was at Jimmy Kimmel the other night, Tony Bennett was a guest and he was saying he’s been at EVERY Grammy award show since they started. That, my friends, is an accomplishment. You know what I’ve accomplished lately? I won 80 tickets on a game at Dave and Busters the other night.
  • How many times is Nicki Minaj gonna be nominated for Best New Artist? How long until you’re not considered “new” anymore?
  • Bon Iver just won a Grammy. Indie hearts are breaking everywhere. Now everyone who liked him yesterday has to burn their records and whine about how they liked him before he was famous. Sorry ‘bout it.
  • No one’s talked about Whitney for a while. You should pour shot #7, cuz I feel like that may happen soon.
  • Shot #7
  • Go ahead and take shots 8-10 for that tribute. Jennifer Hudson just blew my face off though. Dear god that woman has some pipes.
  • QUESTLOVE MAKE OUT WITH MEEEEEEEEEE.
  • Deadmau5 and Foo Fighters? I’m intrigued.
  • UGH CHRIS BROWN GO AWAY.
  • Dave Grohl, when YOU go, I go.
  • Ummm this Deadmau5/Foo Fighters performance is FUCKING RAD. Someone get me an MP3 of this STAT.
  • Can’t wait till Drake and Nicki Minaj are no longer socially and culturally relevant.
  • Oh man, Catholics of the world are probably having a field day after Nicki’s performance.
  • I wish ya’ll could see my face right now as this whole exorcism thing unfolds.
  • Welp I guess since Lady Gaga isn’t performing tonight, SOMEONE had to defile some part of Christianity tonight.
  • ….. was that Amber Rose on stage with Nicki? I told you. She gets around.
  • I’m gonna go ahead and guess that putting cute little boys behind the priest is yet another dig at Catholicism. Sigh.
  • Adele wants to thank all the radio personnel who played “Rolling in the Deep” on the radio so basically she wants to thank EVERY RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD.
  • Good for Adele, this was definitely her year. Hands down. Bravo pretty lady!
  • Why the FUCK is Ryan Tedder up there with Adele? Did I miss something here????

Welp, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Overall, it was probably one of the better years for the Grammys, however, I’ll offer some constructive criticism: a little less wife beaters and a little more Coldplay.