Month: January 2012

Generation 3.NO

To say we live in a life that is not fundamentally dependent on pop culture and Internet memes would be a profound lie. The latest, and seemingly media-monopolizing generation are the millennials: a group full of innovators and tech-types constantly changing what’s cool and updating the iPhone every year (which could possibly be one of the most irritating [and brilliant, if you think about it from a business approach. Damn you, Jobs. As if you didn’t already have enough money. Too soon? Rest in peace, good sir] things to happen in recent years. Wanna stay on top of the latest software? Nope. Can’t. Gotta buy a new one. Every year. And like, really, who has the money for that?). For most of the people in this group, those talents are used to invent new and seemingly cartoonishly futuristic ways to abuse technology in means people never thought were possible (I’m sure if you looked at Abe Lincoln in 1864 and told him that people would be able to send a letter via a device called a “cell phone” he would have laughed your ass back to fore score and seven years ago). There are a number of advances that have helped the world for the better: modern medicine is evolving and becoming more and more helpful, the space program is pretty neat and those fools at NASA are pretty close to finding aliens, right?

Unfortunately, millennials don’t get to take credit for those mind-bending and world-changing techs. No. Millennials don’t get to stand on top of a pile of cash, lay their heads down at night and drift off into blissful sleep because one of them invented the newest brain-scope to take out brain tumors through your ear. Millennials get to be excited about viral videos, Nicki Minaj’s hashtag rapping and’s “9 Cats Wrapped Like Burritos” photo gallery. That’s right, while Baby Boomers and Generation Xers get to invent useful new gadgets; millennials get credit for being lazy and weird. In a time where people get famous for “going viral” or falling off a table while dancing on a table they shouldn’t have been dancing on in the first place, there is a disappearing category for real accomplishments.

Now a days, instead of celebrating academic achievements, sitting down for family dinners or flipping through photo albums with your grammy and grandpa as they recount “the good old days”, people have notifications set up on their smart phones to tell them Demi unfollowed Ashton on Twitter. No one can even stay at the Hardrock Hotel downtown without hearing how Ashton brought his slutty hookup there. Heidi and Seal are getting divorced? Someone said something mean about Justin Bieber looking like a lesbian? The sanctity of marriage has been compromised, yet again, by some airhead bimbo who got married 36 hours after her engagement because her momager and some vertically challenged show runner decided it would make for a cool special? This, apparently, is news.

Even things as simple as chart topping hits have changed their ways. This generation is responsible for some of the most offensively misogynistic and appalling lyrics to ever exist. Remember when songs were about sunshine, lollipops and rainbows? When people could sit around the living room and listen to a record as a family? What would your grandmother say about Lil’ Wayne and all those tattoos. What would she say about Eminem’s blood pressure because he’s that angry all the time? What would she say if you turned on “Dance (A$$)” by Big Sean and Nicki Minaj? The hook of that song is, literally, the word “ass” over and over again.

Millennials and the 2000s invented YouTube celebrities like Kingsley, Jenna Marbles and Chris Crocker who sit in front of their computer and rant about things like Britney Spears, “white girl problems” and things that bother them on a daily basis. A chubby 12-year-old dances around her lime green and pink room, lip-synching along to Rihanna’s “Disturbia” (search: doglover199709) and this is entertainment? Where are her parents? Why is she allowed to do that? These people are the same as anyone else in the world; the only thing that made them “anyone” is a semi-decent camera and an Internet connection. New Internet technologies have given voice to the voiceless and that voice sounds like a screeching feral cat. Just because you have a means to make a video, doesn’t mean you should. The Internet (especially YouTube) should be a privilege, not a right (remember that girl who made that racist rant about Asians at UCLA? Yeah, well she got kicked out of school. So next time you’re annoyed by your neighbors or something, remember that things on the Internet don’t go away no matter how many times you push the delete button).

Instead of focusing on current events and things that matter to people, like the upcoming presidential election, for instance, the only thing that comes up on the Yahoo! homepage is a video of two twin babies sneezing and another article about Taylor Swift’s broken heart (because that isn’t evident enough from her terrible, terribly pop music).

If people channeled as much of their time and energy into useful inventions that may make the future easier (instead of dumber and more embarrassing to look back on) as they do into making bedazzled bras for an upcoming garishly overpriced 3-day Vegas rave, maybe millennials would have something to brag about in the future instead of being the group that came up with Nayan Cat and Rick Rolling.



New Years Resolutions.

Quit rolling your eyes. I know I’m not the first nor will I be the last person to blog about New Years resolutions but like, come on, you didn’t expect anything “a-typical” from this bitch, did you? The following are a list of resolutions I have absolutely no intention to actually follow. Don’t judge me, at least I have the balls to admit I’m not gonna follow them unlike every woman in the entire world who promises to lose weight, exercise more and eat healthier right after they run through In-N-Out for dinner tonight because they just “didn’t have time” to cook a healthy dinner for their family. I get points for being self-aware, k? Perf. As I was saying. The res’:

1. Stop using so much god damn conditioner.
I don’t know if you know me, and I’m assuming most of you don’t, but I have a lot of hair. And when I say I have a lot of hair I mean I have A LOT of god damn hair. I just saw Tangled for the first time and like, the entire time that little cutie was lugging her hair all around, tying it in knots and throwing it over her shoulder, I just kept thinking how much I can relate. Yeah, I said it. It’s Rapunzel-like. It’s thick, it’s long (that’s what he said) and it’s curly as SHIT so when it comes shower time, the shampoo-to-conditioner ratio is like 1:365. That’s right, I probably use a years worth of conditioner in one shower. I probably buy three or four jumbo size bottles of conditioner for every one normal size bottle of shampoo I use. And it’s been a thing my entire life. My parents roll their eyes to this day whenever I come home to visit and I ask them to buy a thing of conditioner when they stop at the market on the way home. And when they walk in with the regular size bottle of conditioner and I’m staying for more than three days I quietly laugh in my head. It’s pretty outrageous. But seeing as I only wash this lion’s mane every other day and only brush it when it’s wet, can you imagine how tangled thing thing gets?? By the second day I can barely run my hand through my own hair. And don’t give me any of that “No More Tears” Johnson & Johnson detangling bullshit spray because that shit DOES NOT WORK. So, after spending the better part of 21 years trying to figure out the least painful way to detangle my hair, the best (and only) solution is to use, literally, a handful of conditioner on my hair, let it sit for five minutes, then wash it out. So maybe I can make a conscious effort to use “just a quarter sized amount” like my dad reminded me EVERY TIME I took a shower when I was younger (sorry for not listening, pops).

2. Stop being such a gay man.
Alright, I can’t help it if glitter is my favorite color, I secretly love show tunes and I get star struck around my favorite drag queens from Rupauls’ Drag Race.  I can’t help it if I love the company of a beautiful gay man who also loves the company of a beautiful gay man. I can’t help it if I have 25 episodes of Will and Grace on my DVR and every time I watch it, all I do is compare myself to Grace and long to be besties with Jack McFarland. I can’t help how I am. I live by Mother Monster’s mantra. The gays have been a consistent part of my life forever. I’ve always had gay friends and people even refer to me as their favorite “hag” (which I totally hate, by the way. I prefer the term fruit fly). I don’t know what it is about me. I mean like, stereotypically, fat girls are always surrounded by gays because the gays don’t look at you like straight boys do, and I heard somewhere once that guys only have friends that are girls because they’re “not nows” or “maybes”. But I’m not your typical fat gurl. I’m loud and obnoxious and outgoing so maybe that’s what the gays are attracted to (okay, it might be all the animal print and sparkly eye shadow) but enough trying to figure it out. I wouldn’t say I’m constantly surrounded by gays as of late. I mean my best friend is gay and other than him I have a gay in every area code that I frequent, but I wouldn’t say my time spent with the gays hinders me from meeting hot straight men. Everyone who knows me well enough always tells me I’m a gay man trapped in a woman’s body but like, let’s break that down for a sec. Isn’t a gay man (the flamboyant ones, the kind I’m talking about) just an effeminate man? A girly man, to be less PC about it? So if I’m “acting like a gay man” doesn’t that just mean I’m acting like a girl? And isn’t that, as a girl, the right thing to do? YEAH, so fuck you all.

3. Stop watching so much crap television.
Welp, I got a brand new 40-inch HD TV with free HD for a year for Christmas so that is definitely not happening.

4. Be more of a classy fucking lady.
The jig is up, I cuss like a god damn sailor. I really and truly have a foul mouth. And to match my utterly offensive vile language, I also have a filthy mind. Any moment I can throw in a “that’s what she/he said”, I do it, I think any time is a good time for a dick joke and I just taught my 10-year old brother how to play The Penis Game.  I had a friend who was the exact same way and she believed us having such dude humor made us more appealing to other guys. I haven’t exactly proven that theory yet, but fuck it. Either way. My mom always told me that cussing wasn’t lady like but I’ve found that I really just haven’t found a better way to express myself without using the word “fuck” (or any variation of it) in a given situation. But I guess, when it really comes down to it, if someone can’t accept me and my foul language, they’re not worth my fucking time.

5. Stop judging sorority girls at school.
Hahahahahahahahaha. You and your bleach blonde hair, matching tote bags and upside-down sailor salutes are so annoying that I will literally inconvenience my walk around campus to avoid the Greek showcase in the quad. I’m not even gonna pretend to wanna do this one in the new year.

6. Make out with the Allstate Mayhem guy.
This is the only one on the list I actually plan to attempt to fulfill. Suck it!

Happy 2012 bitches! Let’s all hope we stay alive long enough for ya’ll to read all the funny shit I think up in the coming months.