The thing about those Kardashians…

Let me first express my deep and undying obsession with this family. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what made it happen. All I know is that I have loved these people for as long as I can remember and there really is no explaining why. Maybe it’s all the glitter. Maybe it’s all the cat fighting and bitching I never got with older sisters. Maybe it’s because I grew up right next door to Calabasas and I liked seeing things on TV that I was familiar with. WHO KNOWS?! All I know is that no matter how obnoxious this family gets, no matter how many lost diamond earrings in the oceans of Bora Bora or failed marriages they endure… I will always be there for them.

It all started off pretty tame. Well, as tame as you can get while coming down from the high of a (rather boring) sex tape. Not a whole lot stands out in my memory. A lot of yelling, a ton of make up and an excruciating amount of dark, dark facial hair. Lest you forget this family’s heritage, they are in fact Armenian. No matter how whitewashed Kim has become (srsly, Google a picture of her from 2007 and look at her now. Unnerving), we can never forget their middle eastern roots.

But I digress.

Can we talk, for a second, about just what KKKK&R are famous for? Don’t worry if you’re having trouble thinking of something, because you’re not wrong. These people are famous for absolutely nothing. Truly, the most landmark thing anyone in this family has ever done (besides have nasty sex with Ray-J on camera) was when Robert Kardashian Senior played defense attorney to O.J. Simpson, and depending on who you ask, that may or may not be exciting enough to even gain any attention (unless you’re my older brother who talked about the O.J. trial on a semi-daily basis like it happened last week).

Really and truly, I’ve never had much of an issue with these people. As I stated above, I have watched every single episode of every single season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and all related spin-offs (except Kim’s wedding special. That is where I draw the line. More on that later, k?) Nothing really that exciting has happened thus far.

On season 1 we saw the youngest Jenner (Kendall or Kylie… doesn’t matter, they’re essentially the same) dance around on a stripper pole, Kim “accidentally” had some racy pictures released, Kim talked to Playboy, Khloe got a DUI, Kourtney had a pregnancy scare and then had some of her own racy pictures released. Yawn.

Season 2, Kris Jenner (formerly and always Kardashian) bought a chicken coop, Khloe went on weird dates in the valley with some weird valley people (are there any other kind in the SFV?), the family went to Colorado for some quality time, Kim spent too much time on her phone and then had a hissy fit when Kris threw her phone off the balcony and threatened to leave home (this is one of my favorite episodes because we witnessed Kim’s crying face which is LITERALLY the most hideous thing I have ever witnessed. Look it up. Lolz for days), and Kim shot more racy pictures then got mad when they got leaked (are you seeing a pattern here?).

During season 3, Khloe went to jail, then posed naked for PETA (GO GURL!), Kim endorsed promoted whored herself out for got LASIK eye surgery, Kris got a pet monkey (not Bruce), Bruce got more plastic surgery (please god, make it stop) and Khloe got cheated on by some random boyfriend.

In Season 4, to forget about her aching heart from the cheating of her no-name boyfriend, Khloe decided to marry Lamar Odom after only knowing each other for a month (naturally, because like, what’s more normal than a rebound marriage?) (PS: I cried like a baby during their wedding. Don’t judge me.) Moving on, Khloe argued with Scott, Khloe slapped scott, Khloe thought she was pregnant, Kris accidentally gave her son viagra, Khloe made the most awkward going-away-gift for Lamar chalk full of “sexy” outfits and sitting a bathtub full of gumballs (this is real life, you guys), Scott shoved a $100 bill in a waiter’s mouth in Las Vegas and Kourtney pulled her own child out of her vagina while giving birth (I’m still not over it).

Season 5, Kim got mad when people spilled red whine (see what I did there?) on her new couch, Khloe lost her 7 CARAT ENGAGEMENT RING , Kim got Botox and then black eyes follow (karma?), and Kim dated an athlete (this could be in any season).

Season 6 (honestly this is exhausting), Khloe hated Kim’s new boyfriend (enter: modern-day, real-life Geico caveman Kris Humpries), Kendall began her modeling career, Kris pretended she was a minister, Kim lost her diamond earrings in the oceans of Bora Bora and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT and Kourtney reacted by delivering my favorite line of the entire series, in her total deadpan voice, “Kim, there are people that are dying.”

That is these people’s lives, you guys. Their priorities are fully out of whack. Their daily routines consist of taking slutty pictures of each other and releasing them to the tabloids, dating athletes, pretending their clothing store is successful, putting their last name on any and everything they can think of (perfume, clothes, condoms [okay that last one didn’t really happen but is it really that far out of left field?])and sitting on their Blackberries all day.

And that doesn’t even go into the spin-offs. There’s Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, and Khloe and Lamar.

Despite their utter non-sensical place in pop culture, I can talk all the shit I want on those girls but I just can’t seem to shake my love for them.

Until now.

With the release of Kim’s marriage going under after a mere 72 days and questioning the very sanctity of marriage in itself, I have to wonder as I sit here and watch the third episode of Kourtney and Kim Take New York why the fuck these girls should be allowed to sit on television, make (what I’m sure is) THOUSANDS of dollars off of it, and be so self-absorbed, so inconsiderately obnoxious and self-righteously self-entitled. When I really think about it, I think I should make clear that I’m directing this towards Kim, mostly. I’ve never really liked Kim all that much, she’s always been my least favorite, but lately I just can’t stand ANYTHING she does. The fact that she made so much god damn money off that marriage only to end it less than 3 months later and then shit on everyone by doing nothing with that money other than probably spend it on some extra fabric to cover her flabby gross ass (look at her W Mag shoot with the silver paint, that’s another reason I don’t like her. Can’t get those images out of my head. Barf) makes me sick.

Can I tell you how uncomfortable it is for me, as viewer, to literally watch her marriage fall apart on a weekly basis right before my eyes? It is the worst case of dramatic irony I have ever experienced in my life. To watch Kim and Kris (the dog, not the mom) bicker and fight and throw each other around and cry about stubbed toe nails every god damn week is not only irritating, but also totally offensive. Like, I get it. Relationships are hard and blah blah blah but when you’re putting yourself on blast for the entire world to see, get ready for some discomfort.

There’s a lot of speculation as to whether her marriage was 100% for show. I can’t say I think it was COMPLETELY fabricated, but I do think Kim was just as much a victim to hopeless romance and the potential of a perfect Prince Charming as the rest of the world who has ever seen The Notebook. The only difference there, is that we don’t have a camera crew, Kris Jenner and Ryan Seacrest not only pushing us into tying the not but footing the bill for a compeltely extravagant wedding.

Khloe just got lucky. And I’d be lying if I said their relationship wasn’t at towards the top of my list of couples I one day want to emulate. (Like, if only for how tall Lamar is. And the fact that Khloe is my favorite Kardashian. Actually that’s a lie, Scott Disick is my favorite Kardashian, which should tell you a lot about how much I really love that family).

So let’s just call a spade a spade here, Kardashian family, and quit selling your show as a “reality” program. Just let us all in on the secret of how scripted and fake it is. We all know none of us reference our own marriages 6 times a minute, bathe in full hair and make-up or pick candy out of Dylan’s Candy Bar bag with the label so conveniently facing outwards.

 

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